Dad, I am so freaking bored, when will this movie end?
I was watching “the Road” for the first time last night and besides not really being that great (I nodded of once) it seemed to have the exact same crew of “bad guys” used in every other post-apocalyptic flick.
You know – the usual suspect lineup of post-apocalyptic villains; hillbillies, mentally disabled people and escapees from the local institution for the criminally insane.
The only ones missing were bikers wearing football shoulder pads and the blond chick with bad teeth that smiles and shakes her head up-and-down every time the head bad guy talks smack (never mind, I think she was in it).
(Spoilers below – Do Not Read if You Have Not Already Watched “The Road”)
The Road is about a guy and his kid that are (get ready for the big surprise), on the road walking in post-apocalyptic USA. In order to make this boring ass movie clever the two main characters are just known as “Man” (Viggo Mortensen) and “Boy” (no-one of consequence), they also make the back story unnecessarily vague.
While walking around they also try to avoid gangs of hillbilly cannibals wile they walk around, “Man” has dreams about his spoiled-ass late wife wile he walks around and despite having a pretty tough guy father and growing up in the post-apocalyptic world “Boy” is a bit of a pussy wile he walks around.
Wile they walk around… they… start… to… Zzzzzzzzzzz…….
That’s about when I fell asleep
Anyway, just so this article isn’t as boring as “The Road” I have compiled a list of the 5 types of people who are most likely to survive the apocalypse according to our buddies in Hollywood (and a bonus list of those who wont even make it past day 1).
The 5 types of people who are most likely to survive the apocalypse (according to our buddies in Hollywood)
If you have an IQ of 12, own a motorcycle along with a couple of mesh shirts and have a love for everything 80’s you are 84.2% likely to survive the apocalypse.
After surviving your first order of business is to reek havoc on the few survivors that weren’t fortunate enough to of had the forethought to keep face paint and mascara around so they could look the part wile raping and pillaging.
I have no idea why this group manages to survive every possible apocalyptic event that one could imagine. I suppose it is because they already live without electricity or they live so far in the middle of nowhere they didn’t even notice things have changed.
So if your mom is also your sister you have a 79.5% chance of surviving the apocalypse. Your daily activity’s will consist of eating people, hunting and trapping people so you can kill them in some sort of elaborate way like making them fight dogs and the occasional man-rape.
Are you so damn crazy that Mel Gipson himself would say “That dude is crazier than four bags of hammers sitting on a barrel of monkeys” ?
Well lucky for you and the voices in your head because all of you now have a 91.7% chance of surviving the apocalypse. And the sweetest part of the post-apocalyptic world is no one will make you take your meds or talk endlessly to some over-educated prick for 90 bucks an hour.
Chore #1 after the apocalypse: Gather together a large group of hillbillies and arm them with whatever weapons are still around and send them out in teams to rob and kill. Don’t forget to have an assistant that repeats everything you say and laughs whenever you say something “funny”.
THE “CORPORATE GUY”
This is a shoot-off of the psychopath except instead of going to the crazy house he went to Harvard. More than likely he is a part of causing the end of the world or the actual guy who pushed the “button”.
If you have an Ivy League degree, are an executive for Weyland-Yutani and your parents were wealthy and powerful enough to make that “problem” you had upstate go-away you have between a 68.3% and 91.9% chance of surviving the apocalypse (% depending on what Ivy League School you went to).
THE CORPORATE MERCENARY
After spending years Shootin’ the Lootin’ in every 3rd world hell-hole for Uncle Sam you just cant take the bad dreams anymore so you take a sweet corporate security gig. And despite the fact that you are just a glorified security guard you get issued fully automatic weapons and hand grenades.
It’s all easy money until the world as you know it is no more, hoards of zombies and bikers troll the streets wile you are stuck in a bunker. And just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse the “Corporate Guy” says; “Hey you and three other Red Shirts go out and capture/kill/find/guard so-and-so and that’s all she wrote.
Ex-SF need only apply, if you are selected for employment you have a 87.1% chance of surviving the apocalypse and a 4.0% chance of surviving in the post-apocalyptic world that follows if you are sent on a mission “topside”.
BONUS LIST: You Have a 0% Chance of Surviving the Apocalypse if you are:
AN ASIAN MALE
Yes, according to Hollywood if you are an Asian man you might as well just kill yourself right now, because you will never survive whatever event ends the world as we know it.
Seriously, look for an Asian guy in then next post-apocalyptic movie you watch – you won’t find one.
UPDATE: The Walking Dead has proved this one wrong
Apparently the Ginger race ends the moment a pandemic hits the US, so if you have red hair and freckles you are shit out of luck.
AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN
Female + Mensa member = You will not survive to see the post-apocalyptic world.
If you smile allot in the pre-apocalyptic world you just signed your own death warrant. Angry and sulking strong silent types are the only folks to survive the big one.
Founder – Editor in Chief
James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and and stockpiling booze and cigarettes for the apocalypse.