MOVIES: “The Road” and the 5 types of people who are most likely to survive the apocalypse according to Hollywood

Dad, I am so freaking bored, when will this movie end?

I was watching “the Road” for the first time last night and besides not really being that great (I nodded of once) it seemed to have the exact same crew of “bad guys” used in every other post-apocalyptic flick.

You know – the usual suspect lineup of post-apocalyptic villains; hillbillies, mentally disabled people and escapees from the local institution for the criminally insane.

The only ones missing were bikers wearing football shoulder pads and the blond chick with bad teeth that smiles and shakes her head up-and-down every time the head bad guy talks smack (never mind, I think she was in it).

(Spoilers below – Do Not Read if You Have Not Already Watched “The Road”)

The Road is about a guy and his kid that are (get ready for the big surprise), on the road walking in post-apocalyptic USA. In order to make this boring ass movie clever the two main characters are just known as “Man” (Viggo Mortensen) and “Boy” (no-one of consequence), they also make the back story unnecessarily vague.

While walking around they also try to avoid gangs of hillbilly cannibals wile they walk around, “Man” has dreams about his spoiled-ass late wife wile he walks around and despite having a pretty tough guy father and growing up in the post-apocalyptic world “Boy” is a bit of a pussy wile he walks around.

Wile they walk around… they… start… to… Zzzzzzzzzzz…….

That’s about when I fell asleep

Anyway, just so this article isn’t as boring as “The Road” I have compiled a list of the 5 types of people who are most likely to survive the apocalypse according to our buddies in Hollywood (and a bonus list of those who wont even make it past day 1).

The 5 types of people who are most likely to survive the apocalypse (according to our buddies in Hollywood)

THE BIKER

 If you have an IQ of 12, own a motorcycle along with a couple of mesh shirts and have a love for everything 80’s you are 84.2% likely to survive the apocalypse.

After surviving your first order of business is to reek havoc on the few survivors that weren’t fortunate enough to of had the forethought to keep face paint and mascara around so they could look the part wile raping and pillaging.

HILLBILLIES

 I have no idea why this group manages to survive every possible apocalyptic event that one could imagine. I suppose it is because they already live without electricity or they live so far in the middle of nowhere they didn’t even notice things have changed.

So if your mom is also your sister you have a 79.5% chance of surviving the apocalypse. Your daily activity’s will consist of eating people, hunting and trapping people so you can kill them in some sort of elaborate way like making them fight dogs and the occasional man-rape.

THE PSYCHOPATH

Are you so damn crazy that Mel Gipson himself would say “That dude is crazier than four bags of hammers sitting on a barrel of monkeys” ?

Well lucky for you and the voices in your head because all of you now have a 91.7% chance of surviving the apocalypse. And the sweetest part of the post-apocalyptic world is no one will make you take your meds or talk endlessly to some over-educated prick for 90 bucks an hour.

Chore #1 after the apocalypse: Gather together a large group of hillbillies and arm them with whatever weapons are still around and send them out in teams to rob and kill. Don’t forget to have an assistant that repeats everything you say and laughs whenever you say something “funny”.

THE “CORPORATE GUY”

This is a shoot-off of the psychopath except instead of going to the crazy house he went to Harvard. More than likely he is a part of causing the end of the world or the actual guy who pushed the “button”.

If you have an Ivy League degree, are an executive for Weyland-Yutani and your parents were wealthy and powerful enough to make that “problem” you had upstate go-away you have between a 68.3% and 91.9% chance of surviving the apocalypse (% depending on what Ivy League School you went to).

THE CORPORATE MERCENARY

After spending years Shootin’ the Lootin’ in every 3rd world hell-hole for Uncle Sam you just cant take the bad dreams anymore so you take a sweet corporate security gig. And despite the fact that you are just a glorified security guard you get issued fully automatic weapons and hand grenades.

It’s all easy money until the world as you know it is no more, hoards of zombies and bikers troll the streets wile you are stuck in a bunker. And just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse the “Corporate Guy” says; “Hey you and three other Red Shirts go out and capture/kill/find/guard so-and-so and that’s all she wrote.

Ex-SF need only apply, if you are selected for employment you have a 87.1% chance of surviving the apocalypse and a 4.0% chance of surviving in the post-apocalyptic world that follows if you are sent on a mission “topside”.

BONUS LIST: You Have a 0% Chance of Surviving the Apocalypse if you are:

AN ASIAN MALE

Yes, according to Hollywood if you are an Asian man you might as well just kill yourself right now, because you will never survive whatever event ends the world as we know it.

Seriously, look for an Asian guy in then next post-apocalyptic movie you watch – you won’t find one.

UPDATE: The Walking Dead has proved this one wrong

GINGER

Apparently the Ginger race ends the moment a pandemic hits the US, so if you have red hair and freckles you are shit out of luck.

AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN

Female + Mensa member = You will not survive to see the post-apocalyptic world.

SMILE

If you smile allot in the pre-apocalyptic world you just signed your own death warrant. Angry and sulking strong silent types are the only folks to survive the big one.

—————————————————————————————

~James G
Founder – Editor in Chief

James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and and stockpiling booze and cigarettes for the apocalypse.

Be Sociable, Share!

37 thoughts on “MOVIES: “The Road” and the 5 types of people who are most likely to survive the apocalypse according to Hollywood”

  1. I think that is a gay dude not an “ugly blond chick with bad teeth”.

    There is also the “Serbian war criminal” type that seems to survive everything. Dressed in a track suit and smoking an endless supply of cigs.

    It is hard to kill off hillbillies, they breed like rats and can survive (not unlike cockroaches) just about anything from inbreeding, to economic collapse, to total war. They don’t mind wearing ridiculous looking clothing, hygiene items are unknown, and they thrive on beans from a can OR – Dog food.

    Besides the above mentioned; hillbillies usually have a supply of guns & ammo around.

    The first people to go in a post apocalyptic world (PAW) will be ( I hope) the brain dead and gang banger wannabes. These ignorant parasites/oxygen thieves cannot function without burger king, 711, battery operated devices and wrap music. Besides – most of them cannot read beyond a 2nd grade level.

    tomahawk

      (Quote This Comment)

  2. cannot function without burger king, tomahawk  (Quote This Comment)

    As much as I hate to admit it I would be sad without fast food joints

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  3. Oooooops.
    I am an Asian male.
    not Bruce Lee. :-)

      (Quote This Comment)

  4. Then you are dead meat before even getting the chance to give a go at the post-apocalyptic world brother, lol

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  5. There is also the “Serbian war criminal” type that seems to survive everything. Dressed in a track suit and smoking an endless supply of cigs.

    Hilarious!!! But I assume you are talking about that guy in Behind Enemy Lines??? Else, I want to know what movie because I think this character is cool.

      (Quote This Comment)

  6. Hahahaa… That’s exactly the guy he is talking about – that’s one of our favorite “bad guy” looks, right up there with the ray ban wearing dictator

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  7. I was thinking of the “cockroaches” thing too. I always wonder where the food comes from to sustain these post-apocalyptic people. Both hunting-and-gathering and farming are full time jobs. They don’t leave much time for nonsense. The reality of a post-apocalyptic world would just be another visit to the Dark Ages, which isn’t interesting enough to film I guess.

      (Quote This Comment)

  8. I always wonder where the food comes from to sustain these post-apocalyptic people.  (Quote This Comment)

    Long Pig – The breakfast of Champions

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  9. soylent Green! It’s not just for breakfast anymore!

    Actually, have to disagree with T-Hawk – I would hope that the politicians and their lapdog lawyers would be the first ones zapped.

    Hmmm…. maybe if WE survived, we could convince the inbred hillbillies that politicians all taste just like chicken! So -= we have a food source for the Deliverance cannibals and Ma & Pa Kettle, the politicos are dealt with and the rest of us can live happily ever after, dyeing our hair tufts pink, riding our 90 cc Hondas and shooting rubber tipped bolts from plastic crossbows! (OSHA safety regs.)

      (Quote This Comment)

  10. soylent Green! It’s not just for breakfast anymore!Actually, have to disagree with T-Hawk – I would hope that the politicians and their lapdog lawyers would be the first ones zapped. Hmmm…. maybe if WE survived, we could convince the inbred hillbillies that politicians all taste just like chicken!

    So -= we have a food source for the Deliverance cannibals and Pa Kettle, the politicos are dealt with and the rest of us can live happily ever after, dyeing our hair tufts pink, riding our 90 cc Honda’s and shooting rubber tipped bolts from plastic crossbows! (OSHA safety regs.)  (Quote This Comment)

    Yup, i forgot about politicians. those assholes are so far removed from my train of thought they never cross my mind.

    Their dire need of elegant living, gay love affairs and hair care products will make them easy prey for the wandering hoards of zombie bikers.

    Thanks for pointing them out but, I just don’t consider them worth mentioning.

    tomahawk

      (Quote This Comment)

  11. I hear Politicians are delicious – taste just like pork

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  12. Man – I didn’t realize that “The Road” was written by the same guy that wrote “No Country For Old Men” (Tomahawk pointed that out for me)

    Cant believe that this movie sucked so bad considering how great NCFOM was

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  13. I read the book. To be honest it was rather disturbing.

      (Quote This Comment)

  14. Hahahaa… That’s exactly the guy he is talking about – that’s one of our favorite “bad guy” looks, right up there with the ray ban wearing dictator~James G  

    Uh oh! im developing an FR uniform that look like track suits.

      (Quote This Comment)

    1. Sweet, Don’t forget to include the Gold Watch, OD Green LBE and Designer Sunglasses

      ~James G

        (Quote This Comment)

  15. Sweet, Don’t forget to include the Gold Watch, OD Green LBE and Designer Sunglasses~James G  (Quote This Comment)

    better make the watch a bootleg rolex

    tomahawk

      (Quote This Comment)

  16. I just finished reading the book, looks like it may have been taken from the movie instead of the other way around. It was really a boring book.

      (Quote This Comment)

  17. Cormac McCarthy writes violence well. I highly recommend Blood Meridien. Hunting Indians in Mexico for bounties. Brutal shit.

    His border trilogy is excellent as well: All the Pretty Horses (the movie didn’t do it justice, probably because that TOOL Matt Daaaamon was in it); Cities of the Plain; and The Crossing. The Road (movie) was a faithful portrayal of the book, hence “Boy” and “Man” etc.

    I thought it was a decent TEOTWAWKI (The End Of The World As We Know It) movie…

      (Quote This Comment)

  18. Dude, btw, I’m from Pennsyl-tucky, went to Harvard, and am a Security Contractor. So, like I’m guaran-goddamn-teed to survive or what? I know I have a mesh t-shirt someplace… Can I wear a leather collar and liberty spike my hair? Cool!

      (Quote This Comment)

  19. Dude, btw, I’m from Pennsyl-tucky, went to Harvard, and am a Security Contractor. So, like I’m guaran-goddamn-teed to survive or what? I know I have a mesh t-shirt someplace… Can I wear a leather collar and liberty spike my hair? Cool!

    Only if you want to be a fashion victim – to be truly cool, you need to augment that ensemble with the rhinestone studded codpiece or, if you can’t find one, then a jock strap covered with aluminum foil will suffice to add that subtle touch of savoir-faire. The Road Warriors will revere you as a god!

      (Quote This Comment)

  20. The Road (movie) was a faithful portrayal of the book, hence “Boy” and “Man” etc. I thought it was a decent TEOTWAWKI (The End Of The World As We Know It) movie…  (Quote This Comment)

    You liked it? Man, I wasn’t joking when I said that I nodded off during it

    And why was the back story so vague? I mean the type of storytelling where you didn’t really know what happened before the current story (see, that’s just confusing) was clever at one time, but now its way played out.

    They did the same thing in The Book of Eli – it just wasn’t necessary not to say what caused the end of the world. Not telling the back story didn’t add anything to the movie except to annoy the audience. But The Book of Eli was 20X better than The Road

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  21. Maybe someday they will make a seriously good, complete movie version of the terribly missed TV show Jericho!

      (Quote This Comment)

  22. That would be way sweet – That was a great show

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  23. Julian/James: I liked Jericho… and here ya go James, talk about not enough back story (vis a vis your complaints of The Road) … they kept alluding to the Jake’s background … where’d the bad boy suddenly get his HSLD skillz? Eventually they let you know he was with a PMC — Ravenwood. As …a truckdriver? But what? They hired him off the street from his fry cook job and let him OJT as a shooter? Why did he never come clean and tell his ex-Ranger dad, something like (whatever the story would be), “Yeah, I did 3 years in the Recon and then went to the sandbox. Sorry I never wrote you and mom after that fuck up here at home. ”

    There were always continuity problems with the show too… one episode the boys are carrying shotguns and hunting rifles, and another they’ve got assault rifles…no continuity… and the town just didn’t look like it was really a town… not enough extras… but all that aside, I have two versions of the boxed set, Hadji and US… It will get a lot of re-watching. Oh! and best re-occurring characters/stars ? D B Sweeney (Harsh Realm) as Ravenwood contractor … and Esai Morales as 10th Mtn colonel… yeah.

      (Quote This Comment)

  24. Julian/James: I liked Jericho… and here ya go James, talk about not enough back story (vis a vis your complaints of The Road) … they kept alluding to the Jake’s background …   (Quote This Comment)

    Yep – that annoyed the fuck out of me

    I still don’t get why Hollywood writers still think it is clever to have vague back stories when it doesn’t add anything to the story or character development

    In some movies the “mysterious stranger” thing works, but completely leaving out why the world ended as we know it is really, really, really annoying – especially if the movie is already boring

    D B Sweeney (Harsh Realm) as Ravenwood contractor.  (Quote This Comment)

    Yep, I didn’t buy D B Sweeney as a bloodthirsty contractor ether – a florist maybe, PMC guy, negative

    Esai Morales as 10th Mtn colonel… yeah.  (Quote This Comment)

    I gave the show a pass on that one because I liked Esai Morales in La Bamba and he is going to be in the new Battlestar Glactica

    But you are right about the continuity problems in it – but I cut more slack for TV shows than movies. In movies you are generally really paying attention and you cant change the channel, for TV shows most people are texting, eating a sandwich and playing with their kids so details aren’t as important.

    The main reason why I liked Jericho so much is because it was the only post-apocalypse show on TV. You cant help but like something if it is the only choice – lol

    But HBO has set the standard for TV series – any TV show they produce is guaranteed to be excellent. If they made a post apocalypse TV show it would be so good you could jack to it

    ~James G

      (Quote This Comment)

  25. I KNEW IT! I always wonder why there were no Asians at all in all these movies, My personal explanations would be; 1. We had already died somewhere along the line, before the stories started. 2. We caused it. 3. Since no Asians were being mentioned in the Bible, the End will just as well meant for somebody elses’ and theirs alone. Pretty much like the Maya calender only marked their own fate…..but according to Hollywood, we deserve to die prior to the End were because…1. we’d all died in some gang fights. 2. We are all ass kissers or ” Fronted” bitch, and perhaps both! 3. We just deserved it, like the girl in ” The Cave”, even I believed she deserved to have an horrible end, 4. We are all gays and Lesbians, something else got to us before the End does. 5. Events of road rage and office rage got to us, because we deserve it. 6. The Monsters were in fact, transferred from the Asians, this might stand according to Norstradamus,
    which meant the French will survive the End. 7. We were never human, therefore there’s no need to show us cease to exists, the feelings of the animals were not worth to be mentioned when the day comes, the End is only meant for the Human race, cockroaches and its companions will manage to live on after the extinction of the master race plus some brilliant Indian guys, which according to some of the the latest definitions of Hollywood, they are just as brilliant as the promised tribes, if not more.
    Thank you Hollywood, for the latest N#@er has arrived. Put us to the triggers, for Humble is not a Virtue, clamming credits is! BTW, South park and the Springfield has in fact, survive the last day, & they re-populated the earth and beyond, so no worries, it’s a much, much happier world.

      (Quote This Comment)

  26. Wow – I almost have a 92% chance of living through it! Whoo hoo!

      (Quote This Comment)

  27. I was thinking of the “cockroaches” thing too. I always wonder where the food comes from to sustain these post-apocalyptic people.   (Quote This Comment)

    Twinkies!! Unless you’re Woody Harrelson then all you get is Snowballs.
    James,
    You gotta review Zombieland. If you haven’t seen it you’ll shit bricks laughing.

      (Quote This Comment)

  28. @ tomahawk, and whats wrong with beans from a can and for the dog food well a little Tabasco and good to go. Im sure Ive eaten the same thing only they heat it throw it in a bowl and call it American style stew. (N. Africa ect)
    How about Mad Max loved those movies. Dont forget Mailman.

      (Quote This Comment)

  29. The best ones were the older ones – back before special effects, the studios relied on great writing. The Omega man and the Planet of the Apes come to mind. Hollyweird is too reliant on special effects now and does not want to pay for great writers (much less just good ones). The Omega Man Vs. I am Legend is a perfect example: both are derived from the same book, yet the older Omega man is a much better film. Everything also has to be cut down to fit in the systematically derived 90 minute window. Hence where a lot of back story goes in movies – on the cutting room floor of the editors room….

      (Quote This Comment)

  30. KRIS – yeah, and in SE Asia and some connected regions back a few years, you learned it was best to maybe not even ASK what the hell those meaty lumps were in your, uh… soup… or broth… could be anything from snake heads to fish guts to monkey balls to soylent green.

      (Quote This Comment)

  31. Jesus H Christ James!

    After calling “Taken” a great movie you shit on a movie that you fell asleep durring….

    The Road is a Great Fucking Film! Yes, A Great Film!

    There are lots of reasons the film is Great including that it is long and boring. Would you really expect a real post apocalyptic time to be… exciting? If it were it wouldn’t be the least bit realistic!

    There are allot of realistic things about the film, including the vague reason why any of this happened. Every other Hollywood post apocalypse movie you have people sitting around watching the shit hit the fan on the news. That’s bullshit! If we got hit by and EMP, a solar flair or some mega asteroid, good luck finding out about.

    The Road is unique because it could have been any damn thing, and you don’t know because it was big and if some big shit hit us, say good bye to electricity, cell phones and the world wide web all in one go. Had the movie started with “that was the day the machines turned against us”, would that have been better or worse? Way fucking worse in my opinion! At least if you are looking for some semblance of realism.

    The family apparently stuck it out in the home as long as humanly possible (realistic). Scavenged and made due (realistic). Things got incredibly tough to the point the suicide was a viable option (realistic). The man could not give up on the chance for some manner of salvation for the sake of his son (realistic). Heads out in shambles with his son and his home defense handgun and what few bullets he has, sounds like quite a few assholes I could name (realistic).

    They set out on a long boring trek, knowing that people have banded together and some of which have set aside their humanity for cannibalism (survival). People banding together for the sake of defense (realistic).

    Hillbillies survive… of fucking course they do! Why is this a sunrise or a joke? They know how to fix shit and improvise because they don’t have the money or resources. All they have to their name is a beat to shit truck and a trusty hunting rifle. The ability to improvise and the ability to hunt would come in pretty handy should the shit hit the fan.

    Asians may not be Hollywood survivors but I know a few Hmong families who wouldn’t be sweating it if the bottom dropped out.

    The movie was long, YES. Boring, if you want to look at it that way. More realistic than most any Hollywood movie of this particular theme, IMHO, YES!!!

      (Quote This Comment)

  32. Weyland-Yutani!

    Unfortante even the execs aren’t immune to their own favorite double jaw snappin, face huggin xeno!

    game over man, game OVER!

      (Quote This Comment)

  33. @Devi, sorry fell asleep on your post.

      (Quote This Comment)

  34. @Devi, sorry fell asleep on your post.  

    @Kris – And I put my balls on your head while you were asleep. LOL

      (Quote This Comment)

  35. Pingback: Anonymous
  36. Rats and cockroaches survive? Fuck, we will be cursed with lawyers forever.

      (Quote This Comment)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Upload Files

You can include images or files in your comment by selecting them below. Once you select a file, it will be uploaded and a link to it added to your comment. You can upload as many images or files as you like and they will all be added to your comment.