Contractorous Douchebagnus and Hoochmate Etiquette
First of all I shouldn’t even have to write this article, Civilian Contractors are grown ass men that should know better. But a high percentage of guys working as Civilian Contractors have the hygiene and manners of child. Because of that I am forced to write this article.
This version of the Douchebag Contractor is known as the “Shit-bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus. Things like shower everyday, don’t play rap music until 3AM and fart outside are most things normal guys know – especially when they are sharing a room smaller than most maximum security prison cells with another dude.
But not some Civilian Contractors, these Douchebags act like they were born in a cave or something.
If you happen to get stuck in your hooch with one of these oxygen thieves you should forward this story to him. And if you are currently a Civilian Contractor working in some 3rd world hell-hole look over this article to make sure that you are not a “Shit-bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus.
Basic Hoochmate Etiquette (AKA: “Shit that you should already know you nasty fuck”):
– Shower everyday: even on your day off, and if you work outside for the majority of the day then take a shower before you go to sleep.
– Wear deodorant: Believe it or not some dudes working in 130 degree weather will not wear deodorant. You smell bad, for fucks sake use deodorant.
– Wash your sheets every 2 weeks and replace your pillow once every 3 months: Your bed smells like a dog bed if you don’t, and that makes you a disgusting shit-bag.
– Use Gold Bond Medicated powder in your boots: I don’t care what you think – your fucking feet smell like ass. If the Gold Bond doesn’t work then keep your kicks outside, no one wants to smell your musty ass toe funk.
– Keep your dirty clothing in a laundry bag in your locker and keep the door closed: Your old socks and underwear smell foul.
– Brush your teeth: If you are one of the nasty fuckers that only brush your teeth in the morning your mouth smells like you have been sucking on bum cock.
– Never, ever, ever, ever clip your nails inside: WTF dude?
– Buy a pair of headphones (for your laptop) and ALWAYS use them: I don’t care if it is 4 in the afternoon and someone is using a jackhammer right outside your can. If you don’t have a laptop to watch your movies then buy one, no one wants to hear you watching Sex and the City.
– If you have a fridge that you share never ever drink or eat anything that you did not put in there: Period.
– Sweep out the hooch and clean the bathroom: (if you are one of the lucky bastards with a wet hooch) once a week even if your roommate doesn’t ever clean.
– If you enter your hooch at night and your roommate is asleep then use a flashlight: Do not turn on the light. This is one of my biggest pet-peeves, nothing will guarantee me hating you for the rest of your life faster then coming in at 3AM wile I am deep in dream land and turning on the light and waking me up and then saying “sorry dude, were you sleeping?”
– Don’t talk too much: Do you see me reading a book? That means don’t talk to me dude, your war story’s are way lame and I don’t believe you ever get laid.
– Don’t touch anything that does not belong to you: That includes DVD’s, kit, laptops and magazines without asking first.
– If you set your alarm for a certain time then get up when it goes off: Do not hit the snooze button 28 times. That shit is so annoying, in places like Iraq and A-Stan sleep is a luxury for many people. You may get stabbed if you do this for an extended amount of time.
– Pick up after yourself: Really? You are going to be a fucking slob when you have a roommate? Really?
– Do not leave a Happy Sock lying beside your bed: Seriously, people actually do this. I got in a fist fight with one roommate over this one once.
You would probably think that most normal people would already know the above. Negative Ghost Rider, work as a Civilian Contractor in Iraq or A-Stan for a wile and you will have a hoochmate that does one or all of the above.
Don’t be that guy
Founder – Editor in Chief
James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long; he has traveled to over 50 countries chasing fortune and glory. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and Shanking his Hoochmates.