CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: The “Shit-Bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus and Hoochmate Etiquette

If you share a hooch with someone and you are a slob I hope you get hit by a mortar

First of all I shouldn’t even have to write this article, Civilian Contractors are grown ass men that should know better. But a high percentage of guys working as Civilian Contractors have the hygiene and manners of child. Because of that I am forced to write this article.

This version of the Douchebag Contractor is known as the “Shit-bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus. Things like shower everyday, don’t play rap music until 3AM and fart outside are most things normal guys know – especially when they are sharing a room smaller than most maximum security prison cells with another dude.

But not some Civilian Contractors, these Douchebags act like they were born in a cave or something.

If you happen to get stuck in your hooch with one of these oxygen thieves you should forward this story to him. And if you are currently a Civilian Contractor working in some 3rd world hell-hole look over this article to make sure that you are not a “Shit-bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus.

Basic Hoochmate Etiquette (AKA: “Shit that you should already know you nasty fuck”):

Hygiene

- Shower everyday: even on your day off, and if you work outside for the majority of the day then take a shower before you go to sleep.

- Wear deodorant: Believe it or not some dudes working in 130 degree weather will not wear deodorant. You smell bad, for fucks sake use deodorant.

- Wash your sheets every 2 weeks and replace your pillow once every 3 months:
Your bed smells like a dog bed if you don’t, and that makes you a disgusting shit-bag.

- Use Gold Bond Medicated powder in your boots: I don’t care what you think – your fucking feet smell like ass. If the Gold Bond doesn’t work then keep your kicks outside, no one wants to smell your musty ass toe funk.

- Keep your dirty clothing in a laundry bag in your locker and keep the door closed: Your old socks and underwear smell foul.

- Brush your teeth: If you are one of the nasty fuckers that only brush your teeth in the morning your mouth smells like you have been sucking on bum cock.

- Never, ever, ever, ever clip your nails inside: WTF dude?

Basic fucking Courtesy

- Buy a pair of headphones (for your laptop) and ALWAYS use them: I don’t care if it is 4 in the afternoon and someone is using a jackhammer right outside your can. If you don’t have a laptop to watch your movies then buy one, no one wants to hear you watching Sex and the City.

- If you have a fridge that you share never ever drink or eat anything that you did not put in there: Period.

- Sweep out the hooch and clean the bathroom: (if you are one of the lucky bastards with a wet hooch) once a week even if your roommate doesn’t ever clean.

- If you enter your hooch at night and your roommate is asleep then use a flashlight: Do not turn on the light. This is one of my biggest pet-peeves, nothing will guarantee me hating you for the rest of your life faster then coming in at 3AM wile I am deep in dream land and turning on the light and waking me up and then saying “sorry dude, were you sleeping?”

- Don’t talk too much: Do you see me reading a book? That means don’t talk to me dude, your war story’s are way lame and I don’t believe you ever get laid.

- Don’t touch anything that does not belong to you:
That includes DVD’s, kit, laptops and magazines without asking first.

- If you set your alarm for a certain time then get up when it goes off: Do not hit the snooze button 28 times. That shit is so annoying, in places like Iraq and A-Stan sleep is a luxury for many people. You may get stabbed if you do this for an extended amount of time.

- Pick up after yourself: Really? You are going to be a fucking slob when you have a roommate? Really?

- Do not leave a Happy Sock lying beside your bed: Seriously, people actually do this. I got in a fist fight with one roommate over this one once.

In Conclusion…

You would probably think that most normal people would already know the above. Negative Ghost Rider, work as a Civilian Contractor in Iraq or A-Stan for a wile and you will have a hoochmate that does one or all of the above.

Don’t be that guy

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~James G
Founder – Editor in Chief

James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long; he has traveled to over 50 countries chasing fortune and glory. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and Shanking his Hoochmates.

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39 thoughts on “CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: The “Shit-Bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus and Hoochmate Etiquette”

  1. These are my favorite articles on DVM, keep up the good work James!

    Does the “Shit-Bag Hoochmate” include all of the douchebags who insist on talking loudly on Skype all night in the transient tents while everyone else is trying to sleep, even though there’s an MWR trailer on the other side of the camp?

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  2. “- Don’t talk too much: Do you see me reading a book? That means don’t talk to me dude, your war story’s are way lame and I don’t believe you ever get laid.”

    Comedy gold! Too true, and too funny!

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  3. V-Man:

    Damn, I forgot about the “Yapping on SKYPE all fucking night in Pidgin English to some Thai Whore Shit-bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus

    ~James G

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  4. Working at night my last gig. I experienced stupid fuck coming in I mean like everyday for some fucking inspection! Doesn’t sound bad?

    Here’s the reality … Sign on door means night shift, if you come in to inspect whisper and do not stomp around. But they always do. All doors must be opened up to let maximum light in ,make sure to hit the lights to the on position. Which also will happen every time !

    The best part is day shift don’t live there with us. We could never get an inspection in the night / evening, to show them how inconsiderate it was.

    Well nuff bitching, I vented ! Support guys try to remember others not on your shift !

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  5. V-Man:Damn, I forgot about the “Yapping on SKYPE all fucking night in Pidgin English to some Thai Whore Shit-bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus
    ~James G  

    Moments like that are the closest I’ve ever came to tearing my room mates larynx out.

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  6. This has to be thr greatest of funny shit I have ever read anywhere on the internet.

    Heading out for the first time next week. Promise not to be a douchebag, though I was already pretty good on all of these, I will be looking out for Douchbagaurus COntactors in the WILD. lol

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  7. This is one of the best so far!

    But it´s not a civilian contractor thing, guys doing the same shit in every regular army!

    The one I hate the most is the “hitting the snooze button ten times before he actually gets up”.

    He told me that it makes him feel better in the morning because this way he always gets his “extra minutes”. WTF?!!!

    But what the hell is a happy sock?

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  8. I agree with all of these James. Great Article. I would also add, If one is going to have skype sex with their girlfriend or boyfriend or dog back home. Wait until I freaking leave the room for crying out loud. I don’t want to hear and or see (especially see) that crap.

    Also, wack off in the shower. Or in a sock, if I find your Jizz on any of my things I may kill you and make it look like an accident. The one and only time I got in a fight with a Hooch mate was when I found his baby batter on my rack. I may or may not have sapped him in the back of the head and duct taped him to point where he looked like a mummy.

    It astonishes me that grown freaking men have to be reminded of this. Or can live in that type of squaller. I can remember one team mate I had that you damn near had to go into the room with a gas mask on so that you wouldn’t vomit at the stench of it.

    I have though on occasion enjoyed screwing with guys like this. Up to and including disabling their skype account, enabling parental settings on their laptop and search engines, Hiding every single bit of lotion in the room, not talking to them for weeks, or responding to them only in a different language. And my personal favorite behavioral conditioning.

    Great article James, keep em coming.

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  9. But what the hell is a happy sock?

    A sock you Jack-Off into

    ~James G

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  10. A sock you Jack-Off into
    ~James G  

    nice

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  11. . And my personal favorite behavioral conditioning.   (Quote This Comment)

    Do you give them a cookie when they clean up after themselves?

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  12. Oh forgot to ask, Is this species common in the wild? I seriously hope not.

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  13. James you forgot about the asshole that put his alarm a few hours earlier than everyone else, hits the snooze and then LEAVES the room, with the alarm going off every 5 min. (took a while to find the damn thing and permanently deactivate it).
    Another highlight is the guy keeping all his shit in a pile on the floor, for months….even after snakes were found around the rooms.

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  14. thats some funny shit…in the military we had a guy who wouldn’t shower so we (I) put “tamper dot” on his soap and tooth brush case just to keep track of when he cleaned himself…so sad…

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  15. Do you give them a cookie when they clean up after themselves?  

    Depends on the guy. I tend to employ the full spectrum of operant conditioning types as I see fit and what works on the person Sometimes it is Positive Punishment, like I will turn on music that they hate. Or eat a certain meal in front of them that they find disgusting. Or pulling the trigger on my taser with the cartridge out so that it makes the fun crackling sound when they don’t turn off their alarm or hit the snooze button again. (This only works on people that it freaks out, and at one point I had a guy by the time we were done who would jump out of his bed at the sound of his alarm) Sometimes it is positive reinforcement, I get a package of m&m’s and I offer them a couple when they do something that I want them to do. Often times it is negative reinforcement with whatever I can think of. But always it is fun to test and experiment. Just remember to be consistent and it works I would say 70 to 80% of the time.

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  16. hehehe, so funny and so true, i knew this guy who had such a smelly arse that you had to use ur gas mask if you were to sleep in a same room.

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  17. I’m new to contracting, w/a sweet gig in Germany (don’t be hatin.’ I expected Iraq or the Stan, honestly). Went on a mission to unload boats w/roommate who swore he’d wake up 45 minutes before me. Had separate rooms in a suite and his alarm and snooze went off for 45 minutes every 5, so loud it woke me through 2 closed doors. Then he says, ‘Sorry, my alarm didn’t go off.’

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  18. Best. DVM. Thread. Ever!

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  19. I once had a hoochmate that left about 50 Spit bottles and spit cups in the hooch. Dude, WTF!?!? The place smelled like rancid copenhagen, gingivitus and ass. It didn’t help matters when the f$Cking brain donor fell asleep with a full spit cup on his mattress, rolled over and soaked his mattress with about 1/2 a cup of chew and spit. The guy was also Orca fat and could snore at 7.5 on the richter scale.

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  20. Orca fat… LOL!… fuck I have to write that shit down.

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  21. Sweet jesus, i live with such hoothmates :(

    One more thing annoys me: leaving your ipods and stuf plugged in, while gone. WTF i’m supposed to do with it?

    Or leaving your bags on the floor next to door, while there’s some place under the bed…

    Shalom!

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  22. We once had a guy in my hooche who refused to put his stuff away. So one day while he was out me and a few buddies bagged up all of his stuff that was lying on the floor in black plastic trash bags and left it outside for the cleaning crew. They thought it was Christmas or something. He started picking up after that.

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  23. What about the douchebag that bottles his piss and throws it under the bed or under the hooch for a whole DEPLOYMENT and never, ever cleans them out? 120ish degrees and one poorly made plastic bottle and *pfoom*… I think that’s justifiable homicide.

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  24. looks like your room back in the day.

    tomahawk

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  25. Dude – my hooch was always neat and clean

    ~James G

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  26. Dude – my hooch was always neat and clean~James G  

    har,har,har,

    tomahawk

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  27. Another good article; It should be part of the ‘mandatory readings’ for soldiers (and whoever else has to share a hooch with another human being).

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  28. What about the douchebag that bottles his piss and throws it under the bed or under the hooch for a whole DEPLOYMENT and never, ever cleans them out? 120ish degrees and one poorly made plastic bottle and *pfoom*… I think that’s justifiable homicide

    Yep Bryan – the fucking cock sucker that leaves piss bottles in the room

    Seriously – how can someone not know it is fucking disgusting to leave 14 bottles of urine under a bed – Really people, you don’t know that?

    ~James G

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  29. Well… I do this. I do a 3 snooze wakeup. I set it for 0600. Hit it once at 0600, again at 0609 and one last time (when I wake up) at 0618. I programmed this into myself during high school… So hard to not do it, the wifey wants to kill me… lol.

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    1. Sorry Dude – If you have a hoochmate doing that gives you one“Shit-Bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus Demerit

      ~James G

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      1. As someone who retcnely moved (and is now lugging a hulking great pack about the UK) I sympathise with your poor tried arms! Glad the move went well and hope you are settled and cosy in your new place toute de suite.

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  30. While stationed in GE we were out training and the e5 left behind had to actually give a class on using the craper. It included wiping with out using 70% of the roll and cleaning the seat after for all of those with a stubby. Shitbags still couldn’t flush there nasty mess.

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  31. James – First off, I love your articles. I stumbled upon your website earlier this evening. By the way, from a female perspective, the velcro contractor cap complete with flair is obnoxious on both genders. I may be a minority in your reading population as I am a female contractor but I figured I’d drop you a note and let you know that female contractors are a whole ‘nother mess of their own. Contractorous Douchebagnus- Female might be worse than the male variety. Women I have had the pleasure of bunking with also don’t shower, brush their teeth/hair etc, leave their crap everywhere, talk loudly with their man/men at all hours, but also spray on inordinate amounts of body spray coupled with makeup and black eye liner which by the end of the day in 130 degree weather looks like a hot mess. Women should figure out that when there are 2 of you to 50 men, it doesn’t really matter if you’re wearing make up now does it boys…. :) While you guys may smell nasty, it is not any better with body odor coupled inordinate amounts of Strawberries and Cream Body splash or some other perfume-e crap and the outdoor stench of burning medical waste and trash. Not saying don’t smell nice at home, just saying don’t smell while on deployment which can be corrected by a shower of some sort as opposed to layers of perfume.

    Also to add to the list of annoyances, people who seem to laugh out loud while watching movies with their headphones on should be smacked in the face. Very rarely is something THAT funny that you must disturb your hoochmate during their sleep time. Eating anything incredibly smelly should not be allowed.. ever… such as Tuna fish….Seriously the military just needs to stop shipping that crap overseas. At the end of the day, I just want my hoochmate to STFU and smell like.. well.. nothing at all.

    Maybe I should forward this to my current hoochmate who needs a lesson in how not to annoy people…. hmmmm….

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  32. To FemaleCTR:

    Eewwwwww…..just plain ewwwwwwww!!! I’m a tomboy raised by my dad who’s beein over in A-stan 7 or 8 times now and all I can say is wow, no wonder he doesn’t talk about what goes on over there. Seems getting shot at is less a problem than roommates.

    As for the girls, I’m no girly-girl, but shit, at least I take care of myself and WTF is with all that perfumy crap? That stuff reminds me of when we went hiking in the Grand Canyon and after our first overnight at the bottom some ditz brain with another group nearby screamed because she couldn’t find a place to plug in her hair dryer. WTF??!!! You’re in the bottom of the Grand Canyon on a f’ing hiking trip. Why bring a hair dryer?

    Gawd, if I had to put up with roomies like that I’d kill them, wrap them in a burka and dump them in an ally.

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    1. Chris,Sending your family and you pryreas. Rosco has been really sick the last couple of days and I took him to the vet and he’s better, but when he gets sick I always think about this day coming and how I will get through and handle it. Your post gives me strength and reminds me its okay to grieve and even publicly for our friends understand and are with us. When the time comes this post will give me strength and remind me I’m not alone so thank you. Sending your entire family virtual hugs.

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  33. Hey, just wanted to say that this weekend in Phoenix (PHX) a guy got stabbed by his roommate for playing his music too loud. Hmmm…seems that even in CONUS (did I get that right?) there’s douchebag roomies.

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  34. LoL – No shit?

    ~James G

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  35. lol, no shit. Here’s the link: http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2010/08/28/20100828phoenix-loud-music-stabbing-death-brk.html

    “The victim was drinking and listening to music in his apartment with co-workers when a man police believe was the victim’s roommate got into an argument with him over the volume of the music.

    The argument eventually became physical, and the victim suffered a fatal stab wound, police say. He was pronounced dead at the scene”

    Soooooooooooooo, I was thinking. If that’s here at home, and y’all are in a war zone….ummmmm…..wouldn’t the burka and alley thing I mentioned be easy? lol

    Seriously, someone needs to dump a huge load of chlorine into the gene pool.

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  36. How’s this for a roommate:

    The guy was a KBR contractor. Yes, those are maggots between the toes

    (EDIT) That pik was even too much for DVM bro ~JG

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