MOVIES: G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra Review – Thanks For Taking a Big Fat Dump on an American Icon for a Few Bucks Mr. Hollywood

This movie sucks more cock than a 5 dollar ho

After finding “The Pit” schematics from Soldier Systems I was hit by a wave of G.I. Joe nostalgia so strong I finally decided to break down and watch the G.I. Joe live action flick despite knowing it would make me sad. Now considering how huge a fan of G.I. Joe I am most people would probably think that I have already watched it.

Well, after being disappointed beyond words after watching the Transformers movies I decided to save myself the sorrow and skip the G.I. Joe Movie. Plus after I heard Channing Tatum who plays “Duke” say that he originally didn’t want to do the movie because it glorified the wars (and presumably the soldiers also) in Iraq and Afghanistan I had about zero interest in seeing that douchebag playing one of my favorite Joe characters.

Anyway, I strolled down to the local Hajji Shop here in Iraq and picked up a copy of G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra, grabbed a chicken and dumplings MRE and hesitantly hit the play button.

A little over an hour later I felt like crying (fortunately Old School Men do not cry) or immediately burning the DVD. This monstrosity of a movie sucked balls in so many ways the internet is not near large enough for me to call out every one in this article.

But – I will go ahead and list out the main things that annoyed/made me sad/angry:

This Movie Completely Ignored the Established Backgrounds of Every Character

Apparently the writers and producers of this movie said “let’s throw away all of the character backgrounds that G.I. Joe fans love and know and just make up some simple generic characters that are not even close to the originals – Fuck the fans”

In this train-wreck of a flick:

- The Baroness was Duke’s ex-girlfriend who had been injected with mind controlling nano-machines to make her “bad”

- Scarlett’s entire background consisted of a single line about her graduating college early

- Heavy Duty was a gay British dude

- Ripcord was a jet pilot/SF operator (WTF?)

- Duke had no background outside of being the former boyfriend of the Baroness (pre-evil nano machine brain control)

- Storm Shadow (the Japanese Ninja) was played by a Korean Soap Opera Star

I could go on forever about this (and don’t even get me started on Snake Eyes) but I will stop now before my brain pops out of my head.

Oh… and none of them wore anything resembling their original character uniform (except Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, admittedly their uniforms were petty faithful to the originals). Now you may think that’s no big deal, but each individual G.I. Joe uniform was an extremely important part of each character in both the comic and the series.

For them to dress up Joes in “been used in every action movie” gay looking black vinyl ninja uniforms, urban-camo (what is it 1985 again?) and the Satan of all camos MultiCam (more on that later) was fucking stupid.

And everything else you remembered form the Comic or Series – yep, they left that out also.

Yes Sir, a big fat “Fuck You” from the writers to the fans.

In this craptastic flick G.I. Joe is not even an American Military Force - Seriously, G.I. JOE IS NOT AMERICAN in this movie

This was the part that really made my blood boil, in the movie G.I. Joe is NOT a US military unit made up of America’s finest soldiers (the back-story G.I. Joe has been using for like 50 years).

It is some sort of non-nation specific international force called “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity = G.I.J.O.E.” that is based out of Egypt. Any mention of G.I. Joe as an American fighting unit was thrown completely out of the window.

Yep – they basically turned G.I. Joe into a United Nations peacekeeping force that is based out of a country without women’s rights and has a president that is basically a dictator.

Really?

I am not one of those “everything must be American” type of guys, I enjoy military movies featuring fighting forces from around the world so don’t go thinking I am pissed because they had Brits and French guys as Joes (well, the French Joe… never mind).

But G.I. Joe is an American icon that was specifically created to be an American Soldier – the tag-line of G.I. Joe is “G.I. Joe a Real American Hero” not “G.I. Joe a Real non-specific International Multi-Nation Peacekeeping Force Hero”.

G.I. Joe is as American as Apple Pie and credit card debt, so why the hell would they want to distance G.I. Joe from being American?

Easy – Money, the studio was obviously concerned ticket sales would not be high in countries that don’t like the U.S. so they changed G.I. Joe from a “Real American Hero” to a “non-specific nation quasi-military force” so the movie would still appeal to people and markets that hate America (this is alluded to in several articles).

So that was a big fat “Fuck You” from the writers to America.

MultiCam

So what is the only thing the communists making this movie could have done to truly make this flick a nightmare to watch? How about an entire opening action scene where an Army unit wears MultiCam uniforms?

Why pray tell were U.S. Military soldiers operating in Eastern Europe wearing MultiCam uniforms (even at the cost of thousands of dead Kittens*)?

Well, they could not wear U.S. Army ACU’s or U.S. Flag Patches because that would make them look like the U.S. Army Soldiers they were. And you can’t show American Soldiers wearing an American Military Uniform or Patch in your movie if you want to sell tickets in countries that dislike America.

Now putting my dislike for MultiCam aside – what I don’t understand is why Crye Associates would even allow their patented Camo to be used in a movie for the purposes of making American Soldiers look less American so they can make money from people that hate America. At a minimum Crye Associates should have put a disclaimer on their website that they were in no way involved in the selection of MultiCam for the G.I. Joe movie.

I guess for some Americans their patriotism does have a price – and that price is a 7 Dinar movie ticket.

This particular “Fuck You” arrives COD from the producers, the studio and greed.

*Every time someone wears MultiCam God Kills a Kitten

This is Just a Bad Movie

Besides all of the above; this was just a bad movie all around. They stole ideas from other movies (Iron Man in particular), there were plot holes large enough to drive an MRAP through, continuity errors, flat and stereotypical acting, bad die jobs (Scarlett apparently goes to Supercuts for colorings) and just plain stupid shit (nano-machine mind control? Really?)

The worst part is, this could have been a great movie considering the writers and producers had tons of great material from the comic and series to work with, hell the Storm Shadow/Snake Eyes thing could have been a movie by itself.

But no, in order to cater to people who basically represent everything the Joes are against they took a big fat dump on and American icon like G.I. Joe just to make a bad movie and a few bucks.

Shame on them for making this pile of dog-shit and calling it G.I. Joe

‘G.I. Joe Rise of the cobra’ target demographic

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~James G
Founder – Editor in Chief

James G is a Veteran Civilian Contractor who has worked in the Middle East and Southeast Asia for way too long; he has traveled to over 50 countries chasing fortune and glory. He spends his off time in Indonesia and Virginia getting drunk, shooting guns, writing poorly written articles and still collecting G.I. Joe figures. James G. on FACEBOOK

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24 thoughts on “MOVIES: G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra Review – Thanks For Taking a Big Fat Dump on an American Icon for a Few Bucks Mr. Hollywood”

  1. I saw the trailer and knew that I did not want to see the movie. I’m a huge GI Joe fan as well, and from what I saw in the trailer, it’s not even a GI Joe movie! grrrrr.

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  2. TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE is as close as we’ll get to a real G.I. JOE flick, I’m sad to say.

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  3. I was FURIOUS when I walked out of the theatre. When I saw the previews, I said, yeah, ok, so they changed their uniforms. Yeah, ok, they gave them goofy super soldier suits.

    But when I walked out of there, I felt sick. They DESTROYED the back story. They had no clue the origins of any of them. They even screwed up the Cobra forces.

    I’m just glad that I only paid $2.50 to see it in the theatre.

    I agree whole heartedly they could have done so much more. The Baroness was never married, she was never involved with Duke, she was always a Cobra. She didn’t have a brother. Cobra commander was never a student of Dr. Mindbender.

    The only character they got even remotely correct was the Cobra super soldiers (not how they were created, but what they were), and Zartan. He was fairly close even though they didn’t go into how he came about. He actually was pretty decent of a character in the movie but they could have played him more.

    About the only redeeming qualities this movie had was the Baroness in tight leather and Scarlett in a few scenes of tight fitting leather and a sports bra…

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    1. The treadmill scene is the only reason to watch this movie.

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  4. I haven’t seen the movie, but based on this review, I don’t think I have much interest in doing so. lol You should get into the film critique business James? Awesome stuff.

    The thing with hollywood is that they model everything off of prior success stories. So with a movie like this, they compare the original story line of the series versus what universal themes bring folks to the movie theater. So everything you just described was what a writer was doing in order to make the film marketable.

    Of course the end product does not appeal to the fan base because of this modeling they do. It’s either make a carbon copy film based on the characters and original theme of the comics/series, or make a more universally appealing film that they think will sell. The investors and producers also push this angle as well, because they want to make money.

    Then of course the politics of hollywood come into play as well. It goes against the very nature of the actors, directors, and writers to put their heart and soul into a military/American film like this. Especially during a long war where most of hollywood is either on the fence about it, or anti-war.

    Now here is what I would like to see. Will hollywood please make more realistic war films, or war films with more soul and passion? I would have loved to have seen a realistic version of ‘Killing Pablo’, based on the Mark Bowden book and the real life take down of this cartel drug lord.

    Blood Meridian would be an awesome movie for the Cohen Brothers to do, if they could. Their treatment of No Country For Old Men was excellent I thought.

    How about a good realistic movie of Lone Survivor(I have heard rumors about one)? Or a movie based on any of the major battles in Iraq/Afghanistan? There are tons of books to build off of. Or hey, how about a modern version of the Longest Day, but applied to these current wars? I really like that style of film making, and they could involve several directors in the project. They could do it for either Afghanistan or Iraq.

    I would definitely like to see some other wars covered. A movie about the Rhodesian Bush Wars would be killer. Something about the Selous Scouts or the RLI. How about a realistic movie based on MACV SOG during Vietnam? You want to talk about suicide missions, MACV SOG lived it. Lots of ideas out there, but unless the heart and soul of those involved are not into the movie, it will probably not do well. There are plenty of advisors like Dale Dye etc. that can infuse a little passion into the thing, but the artistic eye of the whole thing needs to have that passion and dedication to telling the story.

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    1. Hey MATT -

      I agree 100 per cent; and wouldn’t a gritty, true bio-flick about Mad Dog ( Jerry ) Shriver be the ultimate?

      I am not a fan of Stallone, due to his outspoken feelings that mere ordinary citizens should not be allowed to own or carry concealed weapons, etc. – but the final Rambo movie I DID like for two reasons.

      One, the Burmese thug government were pointed out as the evil bastards that they really are, the good guys were good and the bad guys were the pits.

      And two – how often do you see guys in a movie getting realistically hit with rounds from a Barrett 50?

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  5. I too was inspired by nostalgia, and I too threw up in my mouth when I figured out that JOE wasn’t going to be an American force.

    Multinational apologists make me sick.

    I did, however, go out and buy $3000 worth of multicam after seeing the movie. GO JOE!

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  6. Having watched GI Joe on AFN as a kid (can’t get much more American than GI Joe on Armed Forces Network) and still having tapes of the original GI Joe, I wanted to stomp a kittens head after seeing this “movie”.

    When I realized the GI Joe was a UN “unit” I wanted to take a dump on the projector just so they couldn’t ruin it any more. Sadly to say I did not leave the theater, I stayed for the WHOLE thing. Its 118 minutes of my life I’ll never get back, and to top it off, I’ve heard, and wikipedia (if it can be trusted) says they’re going to do a sequel. NNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!

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  7. I fell asleep early on (no plot, no characters to like, too corny, nothing to commend it) and that long nap was the best part of “watching” that terrible movie. Rates even worse than Avatar, AFAIC.

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  8. Well, Hasbro decided 4 yrs ago to turn GI Joe into a multi-national symbol for the toy market here in America.

    Now!!! GI Joe was to be only a US Marine based on WWII Marine Vet MItchell Paige. Hence why he was so manly and why Barbi wanted to fuck him at every pass. :) Cause GI Joe was an Old School man turned into a modern day fag punchline.

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  9. Amen.

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  10. Guys as soon as Channing “the douche” Tatum was cast as Duke. That should have been clue numero uno that the movie was going to suck. That a Wayan’s brother was going to be Rip Cord should have been numero dos.

    I still haven’t seen it, I will never watch based on those two being cast alone. And from what the rest of you have said, I thankfully have avoided it and still retain 118 minutes of my life to do anything else.

    Now if I could only get the time back that I used to watch Transformers 2.

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  11. Glad I passed on it – yeah, G I Joe was indeed all American nad not some member of some freakin’ pansy-ass mockup of the UN pussies. But you and I should know that in this age, they are gonna make him into some sensitive multi-culti type. Surprised they didn’t either have him fall in love with a muslim, or end up being semi-gay.

    BTW – one of the flicks that has been mentioned here called Shoot Em Up, has one of the best, non-pc lines of dialogue since Shakespeare. During a short lull in the nonstop gunfights, the hero speaking to the gang of scumbags, says – “Fuck YOU, you fucking…. fuckers!”

    Pure poetry.

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  12. Great post, James. Check out GIJoe Resolute To see what a really good gijoe movie could have been.

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  13. Watch A-Team instead, yeah its over the top (flying tank anyone) but they respected the original tongue in cheek humour and kept the story more or less right.

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  14. WTF? G.I. Joe was a toy (later to be known as an Action Figure), who the heck thinks up these ideas of turning everything from our youth into a full-length movie? Some things should be left alone.

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  15. WTF? G.I. Joe was a toy (later to be known as an Action Figure), who the heck thinks up these ideas of turning everything from our youth into a full-length movie? Some things should be left alone.  

    Yup, just wait till they release the Thundercats movie, or the Mobile Action Command movie (MAC was a matchbox attempt at action figures, they were about the size of the LEGO minifig but way cooler see the link http://www.plaidstallions.com/matchbox/mac.html). And yes, I have heard rumors about both.

    And for some G.I. Joe history… http://www.plaidstallions.com/hasbro/gijoe.html

    And who here remembers Big Jim? http://www.plaidstallions.com/pack76/index.html I can see the movie about this one already…

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  16. Isn’t there a movie coming for Minesweeper, at least there is a trailer on youtube. ;-0

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  17. I remember being out in the yard playing with my G.I. Joe back in the 60s. While my old man was in Nam, me and my brother would play army with our G.I. Joe’s. I haven’t watched the movie for fear of being disappointed. I like my memories of G.I. Joe just the way they are.

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  18. I agree. GI Joe the movie took a running start, got airborne and dropped a turd on something I love. its a pussy movie for a pussy audience with watered down monkey-actors flinging their ‘creative interpretations’ around like so many gorillas in the zoo. Super suits? Fuck that shit. the Joes were already super? You wanna know why? they took the time to kick ass for a living, something the actors portraying the characters have no idea about. Nano-bots in your head? Shit. Thats fucking retarded. If nanobots can do that shit, everybody would be using them to get bigger johnsons and jugs and there’d BE no war cause we’d all be training scarlet, who was lame in the movie, BTW. When i was a young lad, i used to make Duke and Scarlet shoot and kiss while I played on the end of my bed. This movie didnt even live up to my 11 year old sex-n-gins adled concept of the relationship, let alone portray any realistic or meaningful connection on-screen. I’ll shut up now, I’m gonna go sit in a corner and wait for Hollywood to fuck up Legos somehow.

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    1. Brown, you’re a genius! I can see it now:
      LEGOS- The Movie!!! Starring Sean Penn, Matt Damon, Janeanne Garascrotum, and Jane Fonda, soundtrack by Barbra Streisand.

      Free puke bags handed out in the lobby of the theater.

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  19. G.I.Joe Rise of Cobra sucked on every level. I have every comic, I own every animated episode. Huge fan of both. Killing Cover Girl, Duke & the Baroness, Cobra Commander as a Dr. Mindbender type, Destro’s mask, ice sinking, poor cgi polar bear, Snake Eyes & Storm Shadow growing up tog, & the Joes being some NWO U.N. Bullshit…ect worst movie ever made.

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  20. I didn’t like the Premise of the Movie Either . I hate Multi Cam , But I am allergic to cats . I will have to buy a set just wear them to watch the feral kittens Drop like a Dead Tango in my crosshairs!

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