Category Archives: - D-BAG CONTRACTORS

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CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: 5 Things to Say Goodbye to if you Become a Civilian Contractor

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Ok, Contracting is better than punching TPS Reports, but…

About 30 to 190 (yes, 190 is the record so far) times a day I get messages and emails from guys who want to break into the Contracting Racket. Besides the usual unreadable English from some Italian dude to outright rude emails demanding that I tell someone how to break into the biz “right fucking now”, no one ever asks the smart question of: “Are there any reasons why I should not consider a career in contracting?”

The short answer is “fuck yes there are”

Most folks think the life of an international security contractor is 6-figure paychecks, blowing shit up while yelling “FIRE IN THE HOLE” with a cigar clenched between your chompers with 30 day leaves in Bangkok banging beautiful gals and drinking fine scotch every few months.

To be honest it is that cool, but that’s about it. Forget about having any resemblance of a normal life, you will be an outlaw in the true sense of the Old West definition. So if you are considering a life shooting and looting around the world read everything below, you may change your mind.

Or you may want in the life even more if you are a nut like I am…

The 5 Things to Say Goodbye to if you Become a Civilian Contractor (in no particular order):

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CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: The “I Married a Bargirl” Contractor Douchebag

Soi Cowboy Bangkok, one of the world’s most famous Red Light Districts
And Probably NOT the place to meet your future ex-wife

Walking down Sukhumvit Road in Bangkok while on leave would not be complete without seeing some 5.11 wearing fool walking hand in hand with a rough looking ex-bargirl. Now don’t get me wrong, hopping on a plane to Bangkok to blow off some steam after working for months in some 3rd world shit-hole is pretty much tradition in the Contractor Biz.

But I am referring to the guys who, despite being somewhat reasonable folks, somehow come up with the crazy person thought of “I am going to marry a Thai Hooker – And that shit is going to work out for the long run”.

I swear if I had one dollar for every “I lost all the bread I saved up on my past six contracts on some bargirl I married” stories I have heard from contractors I would be retired now. And the most amazing part is the guy telling the story seems to be actually surprised at the outcome.

Thailand has a habit of making old men young, allowing them to relive (or re-envision) their glory days of the past and no place else on earth can you see such a grouping of fat-gutted RBK (hint, hint) Contractors on leave walking hand in hand with teenyboppers young enough to be their granddaughters.

And it is by no means only the older contractor crowd who suffers from this affliction. The younger contractor crowd, who after hearing hundreds of stories about the Wild, Wild East from the old contractor hands also come to the Big Mango to sow their oats, popping from bar to bar, getting drunk, hooking up, having the time of their lives and falling in love with #38.

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CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: The “Run to Mommy” Contractor Douchebag

there is no crying in security contracting

The “Run to Mommy” Contractor Douchebag is one of the most pitiful breeds of the Contractorous Douchebagnus. This is a full grown man who despite working in a “tough guy” job as a security contractor in war zones acts like a hurt little puppy whenever someone is “rude” to him.

Just last week I had to run over and talk to one of the Team Leaders [let’s call him “Mr. Vag”] working on another camp about an upcoming mission. As soon as I walked into his hooch I knew he was one of the breeds of the Contractorous Douchebagnus just by the 13 water bottles of Copenhagen spit and dumbbells on his floor.

All I wanted to do was ask him a simple question and he immediately comes at me like I just called his whore mom a whore. If this happened back in the states I would have just walked away but one of the silly things about contracting is if you don’t bite back when someone pushes you it is somehow a sign of weakness.

Anyway, I basically had to jump on his shit and put him in his place. And like all bullies as soon as I pushed back he acted all apologetic and shit like “I” misunderstood him. So after wasting 15 minutes of my time passing on a message that should have taken 3 minutes I wandered back to my team room.

And less than 30 minutes later I got a call to come and see one of the PM’s [contract project managers]. Honestly I didn’t have any idea what it was about, but I did think it was strange because this particular PM really has nothing to do with my team.

So I scuttled over to this PM’s office and before I was even half-way in his door he starts going into a rant about how I should “respect other TL’s” and “act like a professional”.

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CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: Don’t Be a Douchebag to TCN’s

So you think you are Superior compared to a TCN Contractor? Really?

TCN = Third Country National, anyone who is not an American or a National of whatever country the base is in. The largest numbers of TCN’s working on U.S. Military bases in the Middle East (some for as little as one hundred bucks a month) are Indians, Filipinos, Sri Lankans, Nepalese and Pakistani citizens who generally do labor and administrative jobs (Blue Collar Guys and Gals).

So, today I was at the KBR laundry pick-up grabbing my laundry when this “Fat Ass” Contractorous Douchebagnus walked in to pick up his laundry bag filled with XXXXX-Large 5.11’s. At the top of his lungs he yelled “I AM HERE FOR MY LAUNDRY!” (Like the guys working at the Laundry Pick-Up might have thought he was there for a pizza or something) and tossed his receipt on the counter.

That sort of annoyed me but the stupidness with this guy was just starting, when the Indian guy behind went to look for his bag in the mass of bags shoved in the wall he started yelling “NO, NO, TO THE LEFT, NO, ON THE BOTTOM, NO, MORE TO THE LEFT!”

After confusing and flustering the fuck out of the poor Indian dude Mr. fat-boy walked behind the counter yelling “I’LL JUST FUCKING GET IT MYSELF”, the Indian dude was like “sorry sir but you can’t come behind the counter” (the Indian guy was still being polite and calling him sir).

At this point I was starting to get pissed pissed:

- 1. Because I just wanted my fucking laundry
- 2. This Buffet-Rapist was making all Americans look like rude ass-holes

And right when I decided not to say anything and to just let this guy make a fool out of himself he grabs his bag and then goes and pushes the Indian guy out of his way.

I then snapped, I yelled “Get you fucking hands off that guy, what the fuck is wrong with you pal?” – He jumped back and started to say something to me when I said “don’t even act like you are in the right here, you don’t ever put your hands on someone – people get stabbed in a laundry room for pulling shit like that”

So as usual with most Tough Guys when they are challenged he backed off and started making excuses and whining like a little bitch about how he was just trying to help or something. Anyway – I won’t go into the details of what was said but it ended with me taking his laundry bag and tossing it out the door into the sand.

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CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: The “Shit-Bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus and Hoochmate Etiquette

If you share a hooch with someone and you are a slob I hope you get hit by a mortar

First of all I shouldn’t even have to write this article, Civilian Contractors are grown ass men that should know better. But a high percentage of guys working as Civilian Contractors have the hygiene and manners of child. Because of that I am forced to write this article.

This version of the Douchebag Contractor is known as the “Shit-bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus. Things like shower everyday, don’t play rap music until 3AM and fart outside are most things normal guys know – especially when they are sharing a room smaller than most maximum security prison cells with another dude.

But not some Civilian Contractors, these Douchebags act like they were born in a cave or something.

If you happen to get stuck in your hooch with one of these oxygen thieves you should forward this story to him. And if you are currently a Civilian Contractor working in some 3rd world hell-hole look over this article to make sure that you are not a “Shit-bag Hoochmate” Contractorous Douchebagnus.

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CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: The Douchebag Contractors Strikes Back

Douchebag Contractors Circa 1864

Please Read CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: Douchebag Contractors first

After the surprisingly huge reaction and popularity of “CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: Douchebag Contractors” we have decided to make this a once a month regular feature (its not like I will run out of material). I say “surprisingly” because I thought I was the only one that noticed and kept track of the various incarnations of the Contractorous Douchebagnus.

Also from the comments I found out that the Contractorous Douchebagnus has a close genetic cousin in the military, the ‘Militarous Soldiernus Douchebagnus’ (the Douchebag Military Soldier). Now that I think about it I have seen and worked with the Militarous Soldiernus Douchebagnus but because I am a contractor I just walked away whenever I ran into one of these oxygen thieves.

So if there are any Active Duty Military guys here that would like to write an article on the different versions of the Militarous Soldiernus Douchebagnus please contact me HERE.

But in the meantime we will continue covering the Douchebag Contractor in all his douchebagness. Below I have listed out 4 more species of the Contractorous Douchebagnus – enjoy.

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CIVILIAN CONTRACTORS: Douchebag Contractors

Civilian Contractor Middle East job recruiting poster

Contractorous Douchebagnus
1.  A person employed as a civilian contractor in an overseas environment who acts superior to everyone despite being a total douchebag himself.
2.  A person employed in the above vocation who is so insecure he overcompensates by attempting to act like a SF-bad Ass despite having a military background working at the DFAC.

On the first security contract I ever worked on way back in the day I was greeted by this sack-of-shit guy who was assigned to pick up new guys at the airport. The following is the first conversation I ever had with another civilian contractor:

- Douchebag Contractor: “You James?”
- James G.: “yep, how’s it going’ (extending my hand)
- Douchebag Contractor: “grab your shit, lets go” (looked at my hand and walked away)
- James G.: “Errr.. hey man, I have like 3 bags plus the 4 lockers of stuff they sent with me for you guys”
- Douchebag Contractor: “Goddamnit ok” (grabs my backpack angrily wile huffing and puffing, leaves me with the large bags and lockers wile he smokes in the pickup).

And that was my introduction to the world of contracting douchebags, and don’t think this story is unique – I have heard it a hundred times from a hundred other guys.

As much as I love working as a Civilian Contractor I am the first one to admit that this line of work probably has the highest ratio of douchebags to cool guys than any other vocation. It seems like every angry insecure guy that had a mommy who didn’t breast feed him enough has somehow found their way into contracting.

Considering that working as a Civilian Contractor probably has some of the best benefits out of any other line of work I cant figure out why so many contractors are such douchebags – they should be happy (I am).

  • Six-Figure salary? – Check
  • 3 to 5 months off a year paid? – Check
  • Job Security? – Check
  • Get to work with other cool like minded guys? – Check
  • Despite the fact I have a great tax free job I will still be a complete douchebag to everyone? – Check

Below I have listed out the 7 most common variants of the Contractorous Douchebagnus

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